Why "The Talk" is a Dumb Idea

I was visiting my local zoo with my son a week ago and encountered an interesting display. As I was leaving the aviary I heard a load sort of moaning sound. I looked around confused only to see two other mothers with two little children each hurrying their children away from the pen of two huge Galapagos tortoises that were mating! I laughed, and said something like, "Not ready for that conversation yet?" The one was too busy to acknowledge my comment as she and her children scurried away from the passionate (and loud!) scene. The other mother and I encountered each other again - but this time at the Otter exhibit where the two playful otters were also mating in their little pool. She said, "What kind of zoo is this?!" I laughed. She laughed. The children had no idea what was going on. I share this story to lead into the dominant question for this post today: when, how, and to what extent should we talk with our children about sex? Which opportunities do we take and which ones do we forgo in establishing that open communication about such a delicate subject?

Did you know that, "Each year about one million teenage girls become pregnant in the United States and three million teens get a sexually transmitted disease." - American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.

"Although only 13% of teens have ever had vaginal sex by age 15, sexual activity is common by the late teen years. By their 19th birthday, seven in 10 teens of both sexes have had intercourse." - Guttmacher Institute.

Are these statistics as disheartening to you as they are to me? If you really want to get depressed about the state of teenagers ability to make good decisions for themselves, just take a look at this article from the New York Times. Apparently, a majority of young adults do not know what is or isn't moral anymore these days.

What should we do about this? We've got to do so many things, but as far as sex goes - my proposal is to ditch "The Talk." The idea in our society, that about the time our children's hormones begin to rage we sit them down on the couch and explain the "birds and the bees" in one short awkward sitting is horrendous. You know what else I believe is ridiculous? The idea that parents often leave this important discussion to be taught in public health courses, (or perhaps have their children opt out of the sex ed lectures all together) - and consequently expect that their children have been taught all they need to know with regards to this sensitive subject. I believe that teenage pregnancy rates, STD rates, abortion rates, and teenage sexual activity rates are so high mostly because of the way we are teaching this topic with our children. Like the moms who hurried their young children away from the mating tortoises, too many parents quickly distract their children or put up walls rather than answer their children's honest questions about sex, their bodies, and how they work. Not to mention the moral reasoning behind the mechanics.

To be effective in communicating this important issue with our children, we should not simply leave this to the schools, or the television set, or the Victoria's Secret storefront display. Nor should we condense it down into one awkward sitting. Instead, we should have continuous, open, honest, and frank discussions. Embarrassment surrounding this topic is learned from hurried, tight-lipped, and uncomfortable, inaccurate/fuzzy responses from parents to children. No, our children do not need to be told every detail from the get go, but they should be told a little something each time they ask. They should also be educated about issues they will be facing several years before they encounter them. I heard once about a rule of five - think about where your child will be in five years and when they will need to know by that time. Work towards preparing them for that. Finally, parents should teach this topic according to their own personal moral and religious tenants. Discussions about sex should not merely be about anatomy and physiological functions and statistics - they need to also include direction about right and wrong, personal responsibility, integrity, as well as the child's relationship with God and others to truly be effective.

What do you think about "the talk"? What and when do we discuss this issue with our children? What resources, if any, would you like to share?