Why "The Talk" is a Dumb Idea

I was visiting my local zoo with my son a week ago and encountered an interesting display. As I was leaving the aviary I heard a load sort of moaning sound. I looked around confused only to see two other mothers with two little children each hurrying their children away from the pen of two huge Galapagos tortoises that were mating! I laughed, and said something like, "Not ready for that conversation yet?" The one was too busy to acknowledge my comment as she and her children scurried away from the passionate (and loud!) scene. The other mother and I encountered each other again - but this time at the Otter exhibit where the two playful otters were also mating in their little pool. She said, "What kind of zoo is this?!" I laughed. She laughed. The children had no idea what was going on. I share this story to lead into the dominant question for this post today: when, how, and to what extent should we talk with our children about sex? Which opportunities do we take and which ones do we forgo in establishing that open communication about such a delicate subject?

Did you know that, "Each year about one million teenage girls become pregnant in the United States and three million teens get a sexually transmitted disease." - American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.

"Although only 13% of teens have ever had vaginal sex by age 15, sexual activity is common by the late teen years. By their 19th birthday, seven in 10 teens of both sexes have had intercourse." - Guttmacher Institute.

Are these statistics as disheartening to you as they are to me? If you really want to get depressed about the state of teenagers ability to make good decisions for themselves, just take a look at this article from the New York Times. Apparently, a majority of young adults do not know what is or isn't moral anymore these days.

What should we do about this? We've got to do so many things, but as far as sex goes - my proposal is to ditch "The Talk." The idea in our society, that about the time our children's hormones begin to rage we sit them down on the couch and explain the "birds and the bees" in one short awkward sitting is horrendous. You know what else I believe is ridiculous? The idea that parents often leave this important discussion to be taught in public health courses, (or perhaps have their children opt out of the sex ed lectures all together) - and consequently expect that their children have been taught all they need to know with regards to this sensitive subject. I believe that teenage pregnancy rates, STD rates, abortion rates, and teenage sexual activity rates are so high mostly because of the way we are teaching this topic with our children. Like the moms who hurried their young children away from the mating tortoises, too many parents quickly distract their children or put up walls rather than answer their children's honest questions about sex, their bodies, and how they work. Not to mention the moral reasoning behind the mechanics.

To be effective in communicating this important issue with our children, we should not simply leave this to the schools, or the television set, or the Victoria's Secret storefront display. Nor should we condense it down into one awkward sitting. Instead, we should have continuous, open, honest, and frank discussions. Embarrassment surrounding this topic is learned from hurried, tight-lipped, and uncomfortable, inaccurate/fuzzy responses from parents to children. No, our children do not need to be told every detail from the get go, but they should be told a little something each time they ask. They should also be educated about issues they will be facing several years before they encounter them. I heard once about a rule of five - think about where your child will be in five years and when they will need to know by that time. Work towards preparing them for that. Finally, parents should teach this topic according to their own personal moral and religious tenants. Discussions about sex should not merely be about anatomy and physiological functions and statistics - they need to also include direction about right and wrong, personal responsibility, integrity, as well as the child's relationship with God and others to truly be effective.

What do you think about "the talk"? What and when do we discuss this issue with our children? What resources, if any, would you like to share?

Honor at the Box Office?

Have you seen the movie trailer for "Courageous?"

It will be in theaters September 30th. It is about a group of fathers who come together to make a pact to be the best fathers they can be. You can watch the trailer at this link.

My husband (who is also a very attentive father to our son) deemed the trailer as "corny." Corny or not, this is the kind of message I think our society needs right now. It's certainly a good place to start anyways.

I can admit that the Evangelical tone could be a turnoff for many. But, when the vast majority of films applaud immorality and self-centered living, this movie seems a breath of fresh air. Too many films portray men as successful or attractive based on their skill in the bedroom with women they have made no real, legal, binding commitment to. This movie on the other hand, seems to be promoting not only loyalty to spouses, but more specifically to the children who come from those bonds. Instead of glamorizing cohabitation, broken families, and lusty individuals, let's put our attention where it should be - on protecting and supporting the family! We don't get out to the movie theater very often, but I think this may be one we need to support at the box office - if for no other reason than to say, "We need more films like this one."

What do you think of this film? Would you support a film like this? "Too corny" for your taste?

What's killing the nuclear family?

Did you know that in the United States, 45% of children are born out of wedlock? And more than 40% of children will spend some time in a cohabitating household? Those figures make me uneasy. Too many of us are not providing the best - the "gold standard" (as Amy Wax describes the nuclear family in this paper) - for our children! But, why? I have long since held these views on my own, but Amy Wax, a Law professor at Penn describes the reasons for these declines in nuclear family structure with the statistical knowledge/academic papers to back them up.

What are the two top reasons for the disintegration of the nuclear family?

Image Credit: HikingArtist.com

• "The rise of Individualism." - You can read the abstract and the whole paper here.

Image Credit: HikingArtist.com

• "The demoralization of sex." - This is what she says in this video discussion on why marriage matters at about 4:08.

Some blame economics, because marriage is more prevalent among the richer more educated segments of the population. Amy Wax doesn't believe not having wealth is the cause for the decline, rather she blames culture. She says marriage rates were much higher in the past when families were living on much lower incomes compared to what we live on today. I agree. I believe the influence to marry is more cultural than economic. I think social/cultural attitudes do influence people to believe they have to have "all their ducks in a row," so to speak, before they marry and have children. And, in my opinion that should not be the case.

I'm not suggesting that couples not plan to be financially responsible for their children - that is important too! But, I think we go too far in what we believe are necessities for our children. A child having to wear clothing from a thrift store on occasion or having fewer toys would be much less harmful than the other increased risks of outcomes we see from children coming from homes where marriages or relationships have failed. Namely, psychological distress from not knowing where they belong, lower high school graduation rates, higher teen pregnancy rates, higher crime rates, etc.

But I digress. There will be plenty more posts on this blog about why the decline of the nuclear family is a problem as well as suggestions on how we can combat this phenomenon. This post is merely seeking to address the WHY of the problem(s). Because if we know what the roots are, we can take down the tree.

Do you agree? What do you think is(are) the biggest cause(s) for the decline of the nuclear family?